Question Everything
I’ve just had my world blown apart.
I feel like I did when I found out my housemate was secretly stealing and drinking alcohol whilst claiming to our faces to be seven years sober. Back when I lived in New Zealand on a resort, I lived with the chefs in a little cottage style house up on the other side of the hill from the restaurant.
From the day I arrived the head chef had told us all, with deep and believable pride, that he was 7 years sober.
He was so sincere and honest there was no reason not to believe him. We also never saw a drink in his hand.
Even if, after service, the restaurant manager and I would warm ourselves by the restaurant fire with a glass of local pinot noir, chef would head straight home. Even when I arrived home and Mama Jenny was in her seat watching a movie or out on the deck having a cigarette and a glass of savvy b.
He never had a drink in hand.
One week, chef had taken the weekend off. The day he arrived back we all knew something was awry. He wasn’t his normal self.
Long story short he’d been on a bender all weekend and was sent on the next boat back to Picton.
It was my unlucky job to go through his bedroom. The past few weeks alcohol had gone missing from the store room and unbeknownst to us, all of us in the house were suspected by the owners.
Turns out chef wasn’t so sober after all.
His room was littered with bottles.
Stuffed under the bed. Hidden in drawers. Tucked in his backpack from the weekend. Bottles of wine pilfered from the cellar to cooking alcohol from the kitchen.
A bit of everything. Every night when he’d turn in while Jenny and I stayed up chewing the fat and having a glass or two, he’d been secretly drinking in his room.
The entire time.
For months.
While convincing us to our faces he was sober.
I believed him.
I thought he was sober.
I was left reeling for days. Questioning myself. Questioning the world. Questioning what I believe. Because you see: I believe myself to be a good judge of character. I believe I have great gut instinct. I believe people to generally be honest and good,I knew him. I lived with him. I worked with him for goodnesssake! How could I not know?
My mind was frantic.
Today I found out people I’ve admired and looked up to for years in the online business world aren’t who and what I thought they were.
People I’ve built an idea of success around. People whose success I’ve wanted to imitate. People whose words I read and respected. People whose lives I’ve made visionboards around.
I’ve wanted to BE LIKE these people. I’ve wanted to make the THE MONEY these people are making. I’ve wanted to HAVE what they have. I’d like to be as free, as creative, as expressive, as rich, as wealthy, as stylish as these people.
I’ve built an entire mental construct of who I would like to be based on people I follow online.
People who claim to be leaders.
People who claim to be teachers.
People who claim to be making millions of dollars.
People driving better cars than me (that’s not difficult! Haha - I drive a 2001 Toyota Rav 4).
People I essentially wanted to be like. I wanted to make money online the way they did and live the life they did.
But just like all those years ago when chef claimed to be sober. These people I’ve admired aren’t what I thought they were.
They’ve been saying one thing to my face (our face, on social media) when the reality is something entirely different.
They aren’t as kind as I thought.
They aren’t as creative as I thought.
They aren’t actually making as much as they say - cash flow and profit line are two different things.
They aren’t as interesting as they make out.
They aren’t as integral as I thought they were, they aren’t as honest as I believed them to be.
It feels like a wrecking ball has smashed the framework of my life and online business.
Everything I’d set my sights on, focused my goals on.
Smashed to the ground.
Which is incredible because as it turns out, the framework was built on false foundations. It was built on lies, non-truths, dishonesty and unkindness.
Which is exciting because now I get to rebuild. I get to redefine success, reassess financial goals and dive into my creativity with more authenticity, honesty and truth.
Questions I’m asking myself today:
What does success look like to me? Real, authentic success?
What do I really want to create in the world?
What do I truly wish to teach and share?
What do I feel called to make?
Thoughts for everyone to reflect on:
Be careful who you let into your social media feeds
Don’t put yourself down because you aren’t where other people are at (where they are might be a lie and/or you might not even want to be there)
Add some more diverse people to your social media feeds
Question everything ; what people are selling, why they’re selling, what their messaging is and is why - even mine.
Be bold,
Katrina