I peeled myself (and my hangover) from the bed today and headed down to the car. Opening the door, I was slammed by a heatwave emanating from the red, rusty old falcon I'm currently driving. Sinking into the seat, sweat forming all over my body, I took myself (and my hangover) to the local cafe.
Once I was nestled into a booth with a coffee, I was supposed to write a draft for this blog.
Instead I wrote this poem.
This poem inspired by a girl at the cafe you infuriated me.
This poem is what I needed to hear today, along with the reflection afterwards (read on for that). This is how I write. This is how I process:
"I saw this girl at the cafe, she was nice, sweet.
From her pink backpack to her high (youthful,
questioning?) tone as she squeezed past,
'Excuse me,' shoulders rolled forward making
herself smaller, smaller. Everything about her
(this young, sweet, innocent girl of 19)
made me want to THROTTLE HER -
grab her by the shoulders and
shake, shake, shake
Speak with certainty.
Own the real estate you stand on.
You deserve to be here.
You have worth to share.
You are valuable.
You are incredible.
You are so damn divine and
I wish, I wish, I wish,
I could slap you into seeing your worth. '
Fuck what anyone else might think.
Fuck what anyone else might say.
Fuck what everyone else does.
Do life, before life does you.
Forget being pretty. Forget being nice.
Forget all about sweetness and rubbish of that kind.
Because you know what, girlfriend?
You're enough. "
Why did she infuriate me? Why did she cause such a stir in me? Because that girl triggered (and every girl who is timid, speaks in a questioning tone, every girl who is birdlike, who is hiding and afraid) is a reflection of myself. I know that's what I used to be like.
I was that girl. I am that girl.
I know there are areas of my life where I am still like this - shy, timid, hiding. The reason it irks me so much? Because I'm not owning that part of myself. So I'm seeing it projected onto others. So how am I going to change this?
I'm going to do things I'm afraid of.
I'm going to be grateful for the lessons I learned as a timid young woman. I'm going to be kind, caring and compassionate with myself first so I can extend that to other women.
What are you projecting? Do you notice when you get triggered? What does it mean?
Write it out.
Write it out and change the path of your life.
Write it out. Bring it to awareness. Choose change. It's that easy.
Write your way,